Thursday, July 11, 2019 N/Warren Town and County News Page Eleven
Mayl to a
Real Person,
PIq :asq. ?
By Dorothy Rosby
I once ordered virus software from a particular
company. Turns out, it would have been easier to
have a virus.
I was unable to download the software, so I emailed
the support desk for help as directed. When none was
forthcoming, I purchased another brand and emailed
the first company asking for a refund. That's when
they offered to help. Then they couldn't find any
record of my order. Then they asked me to tell them
what happened. Then they asked me to tell them
again.
After more than a month of emails back and forth,
they sent me a message saying, "Unfortunately, these
issues are best resolved over the phone. Please call
at your convenience." They must have meant at their
convenience because they didn't include a toll-free
number and they left me on hold for twenty minutes
- twice.
Eventually, I was able to speak to a real person, or
so I thought. I'll call him SJ for Smug Jerk because
he was one, not because that's his name, which I can't
remember. His helpful response was, "You're past
the thirty-day refund period."
"But I've been emailing you for thirty days."
"Doesn't matter. That's our policy." The only thing
more infuriating to a customer than saying, "That's
our policy" is spitting on them.
SJ said his supervisor would email me the next
day. I told him I'd rather give him my phone number."
"He won't call."
' ]hy not? Your email said these issues are best
resolved by phone."
"Only within thirty days."
That's when I did something that I normally
reserve only for the people I love; I yelled at him. I
don't remember what I said, but I know it did nothing
to change the policy.
And SJ was right. His supervisor didn't call. Nor
did he email. Nor did he send my refund.
Customer service has changed in the age of online
shopping. Now we spend our days emailing faceless
companies, being put on hold by people who may or
may not go to lunch while we wait, live chatting on
our computer with technicians who can type faster
than we can, and talking to recordings, my personal
favorite. At least AJ was a real person - sort of.
I'd already kicked the wall and cursed the credit
card industry by the time I got around to calling the
customer service number on the back of my credit
card. I was hoping for a helpful human being or a
reasonable facsimile. Instead I got Recorded Rita. "If
you would like help in English, please say English or
press one."
"English or press one."
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. If you would like help
in English, please say " Apparently she didn't get
the joke.
"English 7
"Please say lost card protection, new card features,
rate quotes, or problems with my bill."
"Huh.W'
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Please say lost card
protection, new card features "
"Problems with my stupid bill." I'm a slow learner.
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Please say "
"Problems with my bill."
"Are you having problems with your bill? Please
say yes or no." "Well, duh!"
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Are you having
problems "
'Tes," I said, as loudly as I'd screamed at SJ. Then
I remembered this call might be monitored for quality
assurance purposes.
"I'm sorry to hear that." But she didn't sound sorry.
"I'll transfer you to our billing department."
"Wait! Are there real people there?"
She didn't answer. Clearly Rita has poor hearing
and no sense of humor. But I'll say this for her. She
never loses her temper and she's very polite. Her last
words to me were, "Thank you for using your (name
of worthless) credit card."
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you."
Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated columnist and the
author of several humor books, including I Used to
Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know
Me Better.
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