Thursday, August 22, 2019 N/Warren Town and County News Page Eleven
Siri, Cortana, and Alexa
Walk into A Bar
By Dorothy Rosby
(Dear reader, what follows is a true story that I
made up. In other words, it didn't happen, but it really
could have.)
Ann told a group of us having lunch that her
husband is having an affair. "We met her while we
were traveling and we both liked her right away, but
Jeff really fell for her. Her name is Garmin Nuvi."
"Well, that two-timing sleaze," I said.
"Jeff?."
"No, Garmin. My husband loves her too. She's so
smart and unlike me, she's good with directions. I
can't compete with that."
Ann explained to the others at the table, "Garmin
is a GPS, and I'm not surprised men find her
attractive. She's not a cheap date, but she is low
maintenance. She doesn't fiddle with the radio or
complain about the air conditioning."
"She never has to stop to use the restroom," I added.
"And she doesn't sleep across entire states - unless
he wants her to."
"I bet she doesn't get grumpy when she's hungry
either," said Karen who has traveled with me.
"She's just a backseat driver without the cusswords.
Turn here, turn there, do this, do that. I could never
get away with that."
'TIaybe your husb rd take it her'
lrom oecause
she knows what she's talking about. And I bet she
never says 'Slow down' or 'Are we there yet?"'
I gave her my whose-side-are-you-on look, but I
had to agree 'recalculating' is probably less annoying
than 'I told you so.'
"Anyway, I wouldn't be so hard on your husband,"
said Karen. 'Tee all know who your real BFF is."
"Me? Who?"
"You're pretty tight with Miss Siri iPhone. You do
have a tendency to anthropomorphize."
"And you have a tendency to use big words." I
punched my phone and asked, "Siri, what does
anthropomorphize mean?"
"Anthropomorphism means the attribution of
human characteristics or behavior to a god, animal,
or object."
"Thanks Siri. I suppose I'm seeing some human
characteristics in my iPhone, but that's only because
she has them." I pressed the button again and asked,
"Siri, are you human?"
"Close enough."
"See. And she's not perfect. She interrupts me mid-
text to correct my spelling. She's worthless if I forget
to charge her. And her directions aren't always
accurate, which is one thing we have in common. But
her flaws only make her more human."
"She's smarter than a human - at least she's
smarter than this human," said Lilly, gazing lovingly
at her iPhone. "If I ask her what 590 times 750 is,
she can tell me faster than I can find her calculator
to figure it out myself."
"Yes," I agreed. "And she admits it when she doesn't
know something. I wish more humans did that."
"She never loses her temper. Not many people stay
calm when you push their buttons," said Lilly. "Or
drop them on their head. Or repeatedly ask them if
they're human."
"She's not just a companion," I said. 'WIy good friend
Wikipedia calls Siri a personal assistant and
knowledge navigator. I think that suits her. She does
everything except clean my house - as long as I pay
my cell phone bill."
"So, Siri, Cortana and Alexa walk into a bar," said
Zaren.
"And "
' rhey fire the bartender and start taking orders.
It could happen. I think they're in cahoots."
"Don't get me started on Alexa," said Ann. "Today
when Jeff was sprawled out on the couch watching
IV, he asked Alexa to dim the lights and get him a
beer."
"Did she?"
"I don't know. He was still waiting when I left."
"I wouldn't trust her around children," said Lilly.
"Have you seen those creepy commercials? She's a
fake person worming her way into your family. I
think she's a spy."
"I think so, too," I said. "And I heard she's dating
HAL."
Dorothy Rosby is the author of several humor books,
including I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and
Then I Got to Know Me Better.
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